Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions."
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
A man walk's into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I think I'm a moth!" The doctor is shocked. "A moth?! You need a shrink; I'm just a dentist. Why'd you come in here?" The man replies, "Because your light was on!"
I've been told I'm condescending. (That means I talk down to people.)
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
Guy goes into a bar. It is empty, except for the male bartender. He sits down at the bar and he hears a lady's voice say, "nice shirt!". He looks around and sees knowbody else. He orders a drink and takes his first sip and he hears the same lady say, "Cool Watch!" But there is no woman in sight. He is a bit freaked out and looks at the bartender and asks in a panicy voice, "Did you hear that?" The bartender responds, "Chill out buddy, that was the peanuts. They are complimentary".
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at every - thing she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
Knock Knock Who's There? Dishes Dishes Who? Dishes Sean Connery.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks." I said "Don't mention it."
On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. His answer was, "Surprise me." !!!! ON TURNING 70 'I still chase women, but only downhill.' ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.' ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.' ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.' ON PRESIDENTS 'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.' ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER 'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.' ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.' ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.' ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.' ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.' ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, 'What's a cave?' After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said.... "What's a headache?"
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"
How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One... or two?
Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump, but it's a silly comparison, you know, apples and oranges.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.